It is hard to think that I told myself that emotions blow over just a few days ago. The concept was obviously lost in the tumult of this weekend. We never went to the wine lands on Saturday. Three stops out of Capetown on the train, 6 young, similarly dressed boys entered our car with knives and robbed us. My memories remain choppy and scattered, and all that comes back when I think of it or the hours following it is the fear. Lynne and Ixan picked us up from a police station a few stops down and we spent the afternoon giving police statements that will probably be lost in the piles, with a trauma counselor, fed wine and cheese by Joe and Ellen and hugs and support by Roshni and Manasi. We laughed, regretted, cried, over analyzed, pitied and vented. My anger and confusion didn't manifest itself until I fell asleep watching Sex and the City. It arose like a wave in my hemi consciousness and it took me minutes to feel safe again. I slept on Ella Street, spooning with Lauren, G, and Ceebs like I had planned. I took two showers that night and morning, somehow finding comfort in the process of cleansing. We spent the day idly at a coffee shop at the waterfront. That night I went to see a Mozambique reggae band called 340ml with Carlo, Shaney, and Gianna. On Monday we talked as a group and expressed our emotional numbness, sleeplessness, paranoia and frustration with the unproductivness of these feelings. I personally felt like shit after that, like I was sedated and sitting in a dark, cold hole that I couldn't climb out of. That night, Shaney took me to the beach, and I felt like my emotional hard drive had been cleared, only feeling guilt for coming home so late last night.
This goes to show that emotions do pass you by. They linger, but pass you by. I just explained it to myself in terms of increased excitability of neurons in the amygdula.
The social questions still remain and bring a lump to my throat. This is an unsent letter I wrote to Liz last night:
Dear Liz, How are you? I haven't really emailed anyone while on this program except for a couple reminders of blog entries. I felt like it was time to give a little Liz loving since I only have two more weeks in Cape Town. It is beautiful here, but the global contradictions that I have been encountering have definitely reached their pinnacle here. We spent the first ten days living in two townships: Zwelathemba outside of Worcester, and Langa. It was amazing. We stayed with the most caring and passionate families, and met the most motivational people. Now we are staying in the Bo-Kaap, and once again, it encompasses such a feeling of community. Last Saturday, 12 of us tried to take a train to Stelenbasch to go wine tasting and all got mugged. We were nearly the only people in the train, 6 similarly dressed boys entered at one stop 3 out of Capetown, robbed up with knives, and ran off at the next stop. Luckily, no one was seriously hurt, but we are still having trouble coping. More than the trauma, I have endless confusing thoughts and questions running through my head. Who were these 13-16 year old boys? Where do they live? Why are they in a gang? Have they done this before? How can they do this to people. They seemed just as scared as we were? Who is the victim? We can go back to our comfortable homes and get over it, they probably have nothing else to turn to and will continue to be part of a self perpetuating cycle. Why do I now get scared when I see more than two black men walking towards me on the street? I hate feeling this way. I want to be able to trust people. This was the fourth mugging in our group. Maybe you will have a say considering you spent time here as well.
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I have to comment that I feel a lot better than when I wrote that, but I will not forget. I am glad that this experience makes me more aware and driven to think, learn, and appreciate what I have.
Peace